The Upshot To Falling On My Ass A Lot...

...is that I learn what doesn't work.

This is what doesn't work: inconsistent food journaling, telling myself that I need to ban entire food groups, being "unconscious" about what I'm eating and just eating whatever I want because it's "healthy", trying to survive on prepackaged shakes, smoothies, or meal replacement bars, eating prepackaged food provided by a diet service, over the counter diet pills, doing crunches in bed and counting that as exercise, and not exercising at all.

This is what has been proven to me to work: Having a set amount of points/calories allowable per day andwriting my food down with totals, quitting sugar and deep fried food (I lost 90 pounds that way), a support group atmosphere - either OA or Weight Watchers, both have worked for me, writing about my feelings, and regular exercise.

So, in simple terms, I need to do more of some things and less of others. There's no quick fix. I have spent a long time living with bad habits and willfully ignoring the smarter way to eat. My body is the consequence of those actions - high blood sugar, infertility, hormonal imbalance, metabolic syndrome and insulin resistance.

I will not be able to undo that damage overnight. Kind of like drugs and alcohol. It took a while for my head to clear, for my heart to speak clearly, for my self-respect to grow. The damage I did my body and psyche wasn't fixed overnight, it was hard work, one day at a time. That's why it's recovery, because it's being nursed back to sanity and health.

I need to respect the process of eating smarter and exercise and treat it as recovery. Recovery from PCOS and pre-diabetes and yes, disordered thinking about food. I have a long long long road ahead of me.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. If I walked 2.7 miles every day starting now, by October 28, 2010 I'll have walked one thousand miles. That sounds like a crazy accomplishment, walking 1,000 miles. That's from Connecticut to the Florida Panhandle. But...it's not done overnight. It's done a little bit at a time every day.

I didn't get 14 years of sobriety overnight. I had to stay sober one day at a time, go to meetings, go to therapy, have disgustingly hilarious conversations with other alcoholics over coffee, talk about my feelings, help other alcoholics, and even go to an outpatient rehab.

For today, I had a sketchy breakfast - bacon egg and cheese on a toasted croissant. White flour isn't the best thing for PCOS Ladies to eat. All my research indicates a Low Glycemic Index diet would be most beneficial. Lunch was a great bowl of organic crab corn chowder from Trader Joe's and I'm about to tuck into some vanilla Greek yogurt as my midafternoon snack. I'm writing this down in a food notebook and notating the caloric content. I can eat 1900 calories a day and expect to lose 2 lbs a week. If I want to lose 68 pounds, this is 34 weeks. That's nothing. That's not even as long a human gestational period.

One day at a time.

Do I Beat Myself For Having To Start Over, Or Be Grateful I Still Have A Chance To Start Over?

While I've beem beating myself up all day (you know the song - I'm lame, I suck, what's wrong with me? Why do so many people seem to effortlessly do what is so totally out of my grasp, why do I have to be me and on and on and on) - I am going to choose to STOP and be GRATEFUL instead.

How about I be grateful that my mother offered to pay for me to go to the gynecologist. I am uninsured - and now that important aspect of my health is taken care of. How lucky am I? Very lucky.

I also can finally officially put a name to what's wrong with me (besides alcoholism, pre-diabetes, procrastiation, and ADD) -- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Actually, the PCOS includes the pre-diabetes because of the lovely insulin resistance that is its trademark. I'm grateful that I do not have the overly-hairy aspect of it, but I've suffered with acne and I do not ovulate. I am also obese.

There is no cure, only treatment. The best treatment is birth control (to regulate hormones and suppress ovulation therefore suppressing androgen production), exercise and good nutrition. I'm already taking Metformin for the high blood sugar, and they even give that to PCOS-ladies to help with fertility.

My own fertlity (or lack thereof) has been on my mind lately. I've been wondering about maybe trying to get pregnant. I've been feeling that deep longing to have a baby and raise it from birth. I've also slapped my own forehead and yelled at myself since I am 41, have two teenagers I'm raising, and no insurance. But the yearning is there. I just don't know if I missed my window of opportunity and should just accept the fact that biology is making the choice for me or if this is something I should actively pursue. The SigOth isn't pressing me but he's willing to do whatever I want. Which is amazing.

In the meantime, I have to get back on track with food, exercise and my creative outlets - all of which I have been horribly slacking.

I do not trust myself. I have a history of abandoning my good intentions and of being wildly inconsistent. I can barely take my birth control pill at the same time every single day. I can't seem to do anything the same way, every single day. I wish I could just give up sometimes because it's almost less painful as the constant trying and failure.

Yet, I know Babe Ruth struck out as many times as he hit home runs. I also know that the more I fail, the more it shows I keep trying, that I haven't given up on myself. That while I have an uphill battle, I still battle. My life force has always proven to be stronger than my deathwish.

I might have to dress this up as a Project - maybe even an Art project - in order to be consistent. I have to find ways to PLAY. I have always been a sucker for fun. Maybe I need more support - like OA or Weight Watchers again. Maybe I need to sit down with a notebook and outline a plan and make checklists. I don't know what I need to do in order to get into a consistent groove with good nutrition and exercise. I just know I need to do it. Again.

And I'm grateful I still have a million chances to Try, Try Again.

Thought for the Day...

"Extending love and compassion toward others in contemplative practice is a rehearsal for stepping beyond stinginess and self-centeredness in daily life. Eventually our training will give us the power to flip the mind instantly by letting go of the "me plan" and considering the happiness of somebody else, whatever we’re experiencing, wherever we are. In that moment, we are cultivating peace. When we live like this, we feel happier. The reason is simple: because love and compassion are the basis of our consciousness, we thrive when we let them come to the forefront."
Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

In other words - Love is a Verb. And to love I need to stop keeping score and looking for payback and just give the love and stay open.

Treadmills and Roasted Beet Salad

These are the two new things in my life. Well, treadmills aren't new, but the gym membership I signed up for is new - and I'm locked in for a year.

I started yesterday, I got up insanely early to attempt to make a 6:15am spin class, but I had to stop for gas and didn't want to walk in after it had already started, so I jumped on a treadmill and walked at a brisk pace for 45 minutes.

This morning I decided that I'd rather sleep in and will go to the gym during my lunch hour for 45 more minutes.

What I love about this gym is the ton of yoga classes they offer. The other two local yoga studios are really expensive - $15-$16 a class. The yoga is included in my membership - yay! I just have to make a good schedule that will allow me to do the cardio I need and get yoga, too.

I made two of Ellie Krieger's recipes: Pork Teriyaki (easy and YUM) and Beet Salad with Cilantro dressing.

The original recipe calls for watercress to make a watercress dressing but my local grocery was out of watercress. I substituted cilantro which was pretty yummy. The dressing was amazing and I plan on making it again for other salads.

The recipe said to steam or roast the beets. I don't have a decent steamer so I roasted them for 90 minutes. The combination of the sweet earthy beet, crunchy walnuts and tart smooth cilantro-buttermilk-goat cheese dressing was HEAVENLY. I like beets to begin with - but I don't think I've ever had a fresh beet. My beets came to me pickled in a mason jar by my great grandmother or canned and julienned. I miss my Grammy's pickled beets- they were something else! She put onions in there, too, that would turn all pink and crunchy.

The SigOth dug the salad, the boys ate it and shrugged, they weren't blown away but they didn't hate it. Both said they prefer "regular" salads. The best part was that it was low calorie and made with "real" ingredients. I am really hoping I can embrace 'healthy' cooking. I want yummy food as well as healthy food. So far, so good.

There is a Vegetable Strata in there that I'm going to try for one of my guests this weekend. She's not a big "breakfast" eater but I am hoping the broccoli, sun dried tomato and fresh grated parmesan might tempt her.

I want to give myself a shout out for committing to working out again. I know that exercise is 75% of my battle. I know that working out will ward off diabetes, help with my unmedicated ADD and improve almost every aspect of my life. I also like it while I'm doing it. I don't know why I dread the idea of it so much. I don't know why I set myself up for rebellious self-sabotage. I think - JUST FOR TODAY - I am not going to think about it so much and just do it. Matter of factly - like brushing my teeth.

Threefold Attack!

In order for me to let go of FOOD as the cause and the cure of all my problems, I need to do three things.

Physical exercise
Healthy food
Creative Outlets.

I just woke up this morning knowing that the creative outlet is just as important to me as exercise and eating well. Maybe I've always known this but I really GET IT at a deep level.

I know when I scrapbook, I get sucked into a different dimension where I am happy and so engrossed I don't even think about food. I also feel that way when I play music.

So every day I need to do those three things.

One of the things I am planning to do regarding the food is very loosely based on that Julie/Julia Project. I don't know how much I will blog about it, but I am going through Ellie Krieger's cookbook "The Food You Crave" - really healthy yummy things. I am trying to do at least two recipes a day until I finish the whole book.

Today I am making a Beet Salad with Watercress dressing to go alongside the swedish meatballs and potato pancakes I picked up at Ikea in New Haven yesterday. I am also making Chocolate Egg Creams according to her recipe which calls for homemade chocolate syrup. Her egg creams use skim milk so they aren't super fattening. There's very little sugar in the chocolate syrup too, so this might be a fun treat that we will revist depending on the verdict from the rest of the family.

I already know there will be some resistance. Veggies aren't super popular around here unless they are dipped in ranch dressing or slathered in cheese. I am hoping this cookbook will change that.

Plus, what a great creative outlet.

What's Eating Me?

The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

I've been sober long enough to see some of these promises come true for me - especially when I've been "painstaking" in my recovery - really going to meetings, working the steps, working with others, getting rigorously honest with myself.

So it's not much of a surprise to find that I'm riddled with fear of others and economic insecurity right now, since I'm less than painstaking in my recovery as of late.

My fear of economic insecurity is easy to understand, I think our whole country is dealing with it. I've been economically insecure for most of my life and have been unafraid of it since it was already happening. The insecurity I feel right now has more to do with a lack of medical insurance and the fact that I have been temping for 9 months with no sign of a permanent hire. I can come or go at will, which is nice! But I can also be let go at will - we're not super busy, I know my function is to mostly be a warm body so that people can take their vacations and have at least two people in our department at all times. The job itself isn't too taxing, so that's nice compared to the literal hell I was in at my last job, but I do feel like a moorless ship sort of bobbing close to the shore but on the verge of being swept to sea at any moment.

The fear of people is much more specific: the SigOth's unconsummated high school sweetheart who is divorced and his friend of Facebook. He has never given me any reason to mistrust him - he is a paragon of integrity. Yet, I am so very wounded from a past relationship where there was infidelity, broken promises, and practically a double life. I have a very heightened sensitivity to danger in romantic relationships.

I feel like I am trapped because I cannot say anything to him about it without outing myself as a possessive insecure freak that doesn't want him to be friends with her AT ALL. I also have a streak of "fairness" in me that knows that it would be ridiculous to ask him not to be friends with someone just because SHE likes HIM. I certainly wouldn't want him to ask me not to be friends with someone in my life - especially since I am rock solid when it comes to him. I'm a one man woman and nothing or no one can change that.

I also know on an intellectual level that HIS fidelity is part of his character and self-image. That's how he rolls.

Yet I feel very threatened.

There is a battle inside me between the idea of how I am supposed to be in a romantic relationship and the truth of who I actually AM in a relationship.

I feel like I'm supposed to be spiritual and above jealousies. I feel like I'm supposed to be with someone but not "hold on" to them - to allow them all the freedom and space in the world and to see that they are choosing to be with me right now, and they do not belong to me. That if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be and if it comes to that, to let him go with dignity. It's a combination of Buddhism and of course, in AA parlance - the third step - turning the relationship and it's management over to the care of God. It sounds great.

Then there's the dark side, the hidden me, the one I try to make go away because it's so ugly and awful that I don't even want to acknowledge it. This part of me believes that nobody really loves me, never has, never will. This part of me is constantly on guard for evidence of how dispensible I am to the man in my life. This part of me sees an inside joke on his Facebook page and gets thrown right into the comfortable role of "Outsider" and seethes with heartbroken rage, muttering, "I KNEW IT!!!!" This part of me expects pain. This part of me doesn't trust because it's been betrayed and violated and brings every injury ever inflicted on me forward into each phase of my life. This part is telling me that I'm on the verge of being betrayed yet again, that this woman is muscling in on "MY" man and that he is allowing it. This part is telling me that I should leave first - get out before I'm really hurt. This part is telling me that the SigOth IS too good to be true and he's like "all the rest" - doesn't value me, doesn't love me, is always looking for something better on the horizon.

It feels horrible. It's old old pain that has been tripwired by fear, and it isn't totally applicable to my reality. I can know that in my head, but my heart is closed up like a fist today because of this fear.

And because I am an addict, I want to use something to make the tight fist go away. I want to eat since I have opted out of drinking and drugs.

I also do not want to overeat or eat my comfort foods because I know that it won't actually make anything better. How could chocolate fix years of festering pain and fear? It's the illusion of fixing it that is so sexy to me. I have such a deep desire to "feel better".

I feel l can't do anything about what is causing me this pain. I can't control my SigOth, nor do I really want to. He's going to do what he's going to do, and he's going to be friends with this woman that sets my red alert lights flashing. They've known each other since they were little children. She lives a few states away. The only thing I can change is my reactions or actions. I don't have much control over my fear and jealousy and I don't feel like I can even easily talk to the SigOth about what I am feeling. But I don't have to eat over it.

And I can hope that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself.

Gotta Get Back On The Horse - Again.

I give myself credit for not giving up. I had given up (hence my absence for quite a while) but a series of circumstance stoked the dying ember of my "hope" and I decided that one day at a time, I will change my relationship with food and my body.

I was cooking with gas, trucking along, writing down everything I ate and the calorie count, I was exercising and then things started sliding away from me. I stopped being vigilant with writing things down, and I think that's the key.

Because I got unconscious about food pretty quickly when I stopped writing down everything I am putting in my mouth. I've been very much interested in laying around my room instead of working out or doing any of my favorite creative pursuits too.

Depression is sometimes sneaky, but I know I can't THINK my way out of a funk, I gotta take actions.

First things first - get honest with myself. I'm in a funk and I am relapsing into old behaviors with food. I do not have to continue down this path. I lost 7 pounds. I haven't regained it yet, which is a miracle.

The notebook is back in my purse, and I am re-committing to write down everything I eat. That is the biggest priority I have when it comes to food. If I write it all down, I'm living in the truth and can't slide into denial - a very fun place where I live most of my life ;).